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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29926341">small rebellions</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintersend/pseuds/wintersend'>wintersend</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(more detailed warnings in the notes), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Explicit Language, F/M, Hopeful Ending, Imperial Jyn Erso, Lullaby Pill, Needles, Non-Explicit Sex, Psychological Torture, Torture, Vomiting</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 21:42:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,732</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29926341</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintersend/pseuds/wintersend</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Imperial Jyn Erso finally seizes her freedom and escapes with undercover agent Cassian Andor.</p><p>But the Krennics catch up to her.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>76</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>small rebellions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was written based on a whump prompt from tumblr that's basically 'captor making an offer to let captives go if they torture each other for an hour.' (This is the <a href="https://andorerso.tumblr.com/post/644865066761633792/whumpster-dumpster-theres-an-easy-way-out-of">post in question</a> but I changed the dialogue.)</p><p>I may have went a little overboard and created a story around it, but I had this idea with imperial Jyn for a long time now and I thought it was the perfect opportunity to write it. It was a bit more comprehensive when I first came up with it two years ago, but I don't think that's ever going to happen so have these little snippets instead. (Ignore the plot holes, I know they're there.)</p><p>While I can assure you that Jyn and Cassian do not, in fact, torture each other and the story doesn't get too graphic, it's pretty dark and I know it's not going to be everyone's cup of tea. So if you want to see the more detailed warning and a little overview of what happens before deciding, check the end notes. I don't want to upset or trigger anyone!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s a small rebellion at first.</p><p>Jyn Erso takes every choice offered to her. For a caged bird, even the littlest things make a difference. It doesn’t matter if it’s breaking the new decorative and expensive glass vase her uncle has bought, slipping salt into his caf, or fucking his assistant in a supply closet – she’s always found small ways to resist.</p><p>But Willix is different.</p><p>It starts out like it always does, an act of rebellion.</p><p>But he looks at her different, he talks to her different, he treats her different. They don’t interact outside of brunches and banquets, always in the presence of her uncle or her cousin. But he’s always polite, never leering, never condescending. Unlike her uncle’s other favorites, he doesn’t seem to think he can get into her pants with a charming smile and a wink, and when he asks her a question, it’s almost like he cares to hear her answer. He’s almost… too good to be one of Orson Krennic’s bootlickers.</p><p>But he is, and she has to remind herself of that constantly. He’s just another minion, just another ambitious officer with grand plans for his future. She’s sure he’d have no problem throwing her to the wolves if it came down to it. Or maybe it’s all part of his plan – treat Krennic’s niece like a human being in hopes that she might become his wife and earn him a spot in the Krennic family. They’re all the same.</p><p>It’s hard to remember that sometimes with him.</p><p>The first time they’re alone, he finds her on the balcony drinking herself to numbness during one of those stuffy parties she hates. Takes one look at her pitiful state and asks if she’s okay.</p><p>If <em>she’s </em>okay.</p><p>She can’t remember the last time someone cared.</p><p>She’s sure that’s what possesses her to kiss him.</p><p>But he pulls away almost immediately – whether because she’s drunk or because he’s not interested, she isn’t sure. It stings all the same.</p><p>“Jyn,” he murmurs, quiet and apologetic, and she doesn’t think he’s ever said her name before. She wants to hear it again. “I can’t.”</p><p>He had good intentions, she thinks. But as she pulls back, rejected, she feels even worse than she did before. Everything in her life goes like this. Apologies and refusals. Abandoned at every turn.</p><p>“Leave me.”</p><p>She turns away, wrapping her arms around herself as she looks out at the starry sky, longing for more. More than this life would ever give her. As if wishing hard enough could make a difference. Could free her father, could bring her mother back, could give her freedom.</p><p>She doesn’t hear Willix leave but there’s silence for so long, she assumes he’s gone. Until there’s a hand on her shoulder, so gentle that it doesn’t startle her. Unexpected, nonetheless, the warm fingers on her bare skin making her breath hitch. Her entire body goes rigid.</p><p>She’s not used to touches like that.</p><p>It’s not like she’s never been touched. Krennic slapped her once when she mouthed off to him and he finally lost his temper. Alec, her cousin, likes to throw his arm around her shoulder like they’re siblings even as she cringes away. She’s had lovers too – men, women, others. People she kissed, people who kissed her, people who put their mouths on her neck, on her breast, between her legs.</p><p>She knows touch born from lust or violence.</p><p>But she’s never been touched with love.</p><p>It’s a silly thought; she and Willix don’t even know each other. But this is not lust and it’s not violence. It’s meant to be reassurance, perhaps, and she can’t help wanting more. Fighting the urge to curl back against him. She stays frozen in fear that if she moves, he’ll drop his hand.</p><p>But he does anyway. Perhaps he misread her, thinking she tensed up because she was uncomfortable. Jyn tries to quell the disappointment, breathing through her nose, still unable to move. She hears fabric rustling behind her, then he places his coat around her shoulders, covering up her bare arms. He doesn’t move his hands. His cheek brushes her hair as he leans in, the pressure of his grip still solid through the material of his coat.</p><p>His lips next to her ear, he whispers. “Don’t let them smother you.”</p><p>Jyn tilts her head just so, unable to resist the pull of his body. But she doesn’t make a move again. She doesn’t even look at him, afraid to see the look in his eyes. Something’s buzzing in her ear as their breaths mingle and it’s not quite the champagne she drank earlier.</p><p>He lingers for a second, his strong hands a comforting weight on her shoulder. When he pulls back, she hears his footsteps head for the doors and she knows he’s gone this time. But Jyn feels less alone. His smell hangs around her – a cologne typical to imperial officers, but something fresh as well, something earthy like pine trees – and the possibilities stretching out around her suddenly seem wider.</p>
<hr/><p>(Jyn barely sleeps that night.</p><p>She tosses and turns and eventually gives in, her fingers slipping inside her pajamas.</p><p>There’s relief for a second when she comes – but after, she just feels more frustrated. His eyes and the thought of his hands haunt her.)</p>
<hr/><p>(They don’t see each other for a few weeks but she can’t stop thinking about him.)</p>
<hr/><p>When she realizes who Willix really is, she’s almost relieved.</p><p>Enemy spy.</p><p>Someone to destroy or, at least, hurt Krennic.</p><p>So many things make sense now.</p><p>He didn’t kiss her back that night, didn’t trick her. But now they’re on even ground and she thinks they can help each other out. Because Jyn’s done being a victim. She’s going to get that freedom of hers, one way or another.</p><p>He stands in front of her with a wary expression, caught red-handed in her uncle’s office. It’s funny, she was on her way here to break in as well. Certainly, for far more petty reasons than what he’s here for – but here they stand, two thieves, at the edge of a precipice. Two paths to take, and Jyn doesn’t even have to think about which one she wants.</p><p>He hasn’t pulled out the weapons that she’s sure he has, hasn’t tried to hurt her. It’s a comforting sign.</p><p>“Nice job with the cameras,” she comments as she steps closer. She’s not really afraid of him, not in her heart, but she keeps an eye on him, just in case. “Who do you work for?”</p><p>A short pause. “The Alliance.”</p><p>His voice is gruff and uneasy – but he’s taking a chance on her. They’re regarding each other like predators, both unsure if they can trust the other, but some deep part of them wanting so badly to.</p><p>She believes him.</p><p>“What’s your name?”</p><p>That, he doesn’t answer.</p><p>After a few seconds of silence, Jyn tries something else.</p><p>“Are you here to kill my uncle?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>
  <em>A shame.</em>
</p><p>She points to the computer terminal he was trying to access. “Need some help? I’m a good slicer.”</p><p>More silence. His expression is a cool mask of composure and professionality, but the way his eyes follow her every movement is a bit unnerving. He’s assessing her. Trying to peer into her soul.</p><p>“Why would you help me?” he says at last.</p><p>Jyn spreads her arms.</p><p>“If you haven’t noticed, I’m not exactly a fan of the Krennics.” Pause. Then, “Trust goes both ways.”</p><p>His posture changes. He doesn’t drop his guard, not completely, but he… softens a bit.</p><p>Nodding, he gestures to the terminal. “Alright then. Show me what you can do.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <strike>Don’t think it don’t think it don’t think it –</strike>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’ll show you what I can do, Mr. Spy. Maybe more than you bargained for.</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>By the time she’s done, his cautious frown has transformed into an impressed… not a smile, not really. A twitch of his lips?</p><p>She’ll take it.</p><p>“See?” she tells him, just a touch smug. He may not be smiling but his eyes <em>shine </em>as he looks at her, and she feels a bit high on the satisfaction and desire coursing through her veins. “Partners in crime.”</p><p>“I knew you were special from the moment we met,” he says, stealing her breath with one simple sentence.</p><p>
  <em>What the fuck –</em>
</p><p>“You’re not like them,” he goes on. “They’re suffocating you. I could see it from the start. You don’t belong with them.”</p><p>Jyn swallows, heart in her throat. How is she supposed to react to <em>that</em>?</p><p>“Trying to recruit me already?” she jokes just to lighten the mood. She can’t handle the intensity of his gaze. Not now, not right here.</p><p>She can’t – she can’t handle being wanted like that. Not yet.</p><p>But she sees the lust she feels reflected in his eyes, and <em>that,</em> she can handle. When she kisses him, this time, he kisses back.</p><p>Then it’s a mess of fumbling hands, undoing buttons, pulling each other closer, testing all the ways they can touch each other. She crawls into his lap and rocks against him, and she’s rewarded with a noise that makes her feel powerful. She likes it, how he doesn’t hold back, how he surrenders himself to her.</p><p>But he’s not one to be idle either. Tugging her bra aside to play with her nipple, pulling sounds from her throat that she’s yet to hear from herself. She quickly discovers that it’s less about surrendering and more about balance. Equally giving and taking, surrendering and dominating. <em>Trust goes both ways.</em></p><p>Throwing caution to the wind, she leans towards him and whispers in his ear, “I want your mouth on me.”</p><p>He stops to look at her, as if just now remembering their current situation.</p><p>“Here? Now?”</p><p>Jyn knows it’s a dangerous idea. But yes, she wants him here – sitting in Krennic’s ugly chair with her legs spread as this attractive man goes down on her. She wants him to make her come on his tongue so hard that she nearly blacks out.</p><p>She nods.</p><p>
  <em>Here, now.</em>
</p><p>It doesn’t take much convincing.</p><p>“Where?” he asks, and Jyn frowns for a second. Until a devilish gleam lights in his eyes. “Where <em>exactly </em>do you want my mouth?”</p><p><em>Oh.</em> Her lips twist into a wicked smirk.</p><p>She still doesn’t know his real name.</p><p>But it doesn’t matter because she knows <em>who</em> he is, and that’s enough for now.</p>
<hr/><p>“Come with me.”</p><p>The request is whispered against her collarbone, knocking the air from her lungs.</p><p>
  <em>He can’t mean it.</em>
</p><p>She counts to ten before responding.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Come with me,” he repeats, unmistakable now. Jyn sits up in bed, pulling the sheets up to cover herself as she stares at him in shock.</p><p>It’s not something she allows herself to think about. No matter how wonderful he’s been, she can’t trust her heart. She can’t count on a future. For several reasons.</p><p>Her dalliance with <em>Willix</em> – real name unknown – is pleasant. But it’s not exactly a secret. Even if the older Krennic himself doesn’t know, his son must. It’s a non-issue – who cares if Jyn’s sleeping with another imperial officer? She’s just a slut, it doesn’t matter.</p><p>But if he disappears and <em>she </em>disappears… it wouldn’t be hard to put two and two together.</p><p>“They’d look for me,” she tells him. She hopes the despair, the <em>longing</em> isn’t too obvious in her voice. She wants to go. Yes, she can acknowledge that now. She wants to go more than anything. But could she have a place with him? In the Alliance? Could she belong there?</p><p>He takes her hand.</p><p>“<em>Come with me</em>.”</p><p>Jyn lets out a tiny sob and surges forward, capturing his lips in a searing kiss.</p><p>“Yes,” she whispers, stroking his cheek. Warmth pools in his eyes at her answer. <em>I made the right choice.</em></p><p>Then he flips her onto her back, pressing small kisses all over her face, and she laughs. She laughs and laughs and laughs, until she forgets, in that moment, that she has ever been sad in her life. As he tugs off the blankets to find bare skin under his fingertips, she thinks she could love him. May already love him. She’s not sure if she belongs with the Alliance, but she belongs with <em>him</em>. That knowledge, that certainty is fierce in her heart. They belong together.</p><p>He buries his head in the crook of her neck, kisses her there, his lips against her ear. And whispers.</p><p>“My name is Cassian.”</p>
<hr/><p>It almost works.</p><p>A few days into their journey, en route to a rebel base, Jyn is just starting to worry that the Alliance will take one look at her and kick her out. After all, with a name like <em>Erso, </em>who would want to risk bringing the Empire down on their heads?</p><p>But Cassian seems sure that they’ll give her a chance – and something about his eyes tell her that even if they don’t want to, he’ll make them. And she trusts him.</p><p>She’s starting to place a lot of faith in Cassian, and it should scare her but it thrills her instead.</p><p>He’s her safe place to land. Her partner. Her home.</p><p>She trusts him.</p><p>In hindsight, she should have been more concerned about the Krennics than the Alliance. But she grew comfortable, complacent, let herself <em>believe, </em>and now…</p><p>It’ll cost her.</p><p>She’s not sure what yet. Her freedom? Her life? <em>Please, stars, don’t let it be his life.</em></p><p>They’ve caught up to them. Damaged their hyperdrive and boarded the little freighter they escaped on. Before they blast through the doors, Jyn turns to Cassian with a pained expression and presses her forehead against his. Closing her eyes and breathing him in. Maybe for the last time.</p><p>She can’t say anything. There’s nothing to say. She just wants to be able to feel him.</p><p>But Cassian speaks.</p><p>“Listen to me,” he begins, his voice strained with so many emotions that he can’t – or doesn’t want to hide. “You have to play along. Make them think you’re on their side, that I kidnapped you. Whatever you have to do to get through this.”</p><p>“What?” Jyn blinks at him with wide eyes.</p><p>“It’s our one chance, Jyn,” he tells her, vehement. “Don’t worry about me.”</p><p>
  <em>How could I not?</em>
</p><p>She shakes her head, her breath coming faster now as she tries to come up with a miracle solution. Anything. She’d give anything. Her own life, even, if it saved him.</p><p>But all she can do is watch as Cassian gives her a very serious look, his hand cradling her cheek.</p><p>“You’re so much better than them. Never forget that. You’re stronger than they are. You’re strong enough to beat them.”</p><p>Jyn holds back a pitiful little whimper. <em>Why does it sound like he’s saying goodbye?</em></p><p>Her fears are confirmed when he goes on, “You were the best part of my life, Jyn. A beacon in the dark.”</p><p>
  <em>No.</em>
</p><p>She refuses to say goodbye.</p><p>But she must say something, must tell him how much he means to her too because he’s looking at her like she’s the only thing that matters and she can’t let them take him from her without him knowing. She doesn’t know if this is the end – <em>she has to believe it’s not – </em>but he deserves to know.</p><p>“I’m – I’ve never...” She trips over her words, the panic in her chest making it so hard to breathe, to think. Slowly, she inhales, the breath rattling in her lungs. “You’ve given me so much... that I never thought I could have. You’re the best part of my life too.”</p><p>Not <em>were</em>. Not yet.</p><p>Cassian swallows, his eyes glassy, his hand warm on her cheek.</p><p>“Can you do something for me?” he asks.</p><p>“Anything.”</p><p>“Just make sure I’m remembered as Cassian. Not as Willix.”</p><p>Jyn lets out a tiny sob, nodding her head furiously. “Yes, yes, of course. Yes.”</p><p>He takes out a little capsule from his jacket and the blood in her veins freezes. She knows what that is. She knows what he’s going to do.</p><p>
  <em>No, no, no, no.</em>
</p><p>“You will escape again. I know you will.”</p><p>She shakes her head, the terror in her chest growing.</p><p>“You can’t,” she chokes out, unable to recognize her own voice.</p><p>She shouldn’t have come. If she stayed behind, this wouldn’t have –</p><p>But she can’t undo that now, she can’t do anything except –</p><p>The doors explode and Jyn knocks the pill from Cassian’s hand a second before it reaches his lips.</p><p>She doesn’t look at him after. She couldn’t stand to see the disappointed, betrayed look in his eyes.</p>
<hr/><p>Jyn does as Cassian asked and plays along.</p><p>She musters up some tears – not hard after everything that’s just happened – and plays the part of the lost little girl who just fell for the wrong guy. She had no idea he was a spy. She had no idea he was using her. She’s a victim of his cruel games, nothing more.</p><p>She ignores how wrong those words feel in her mouth.</p><p>By some miracle (or perhaps because they <em>always </em>underestimate her), Alec believes her. Her uncle regards her with more suspicion but takes her word for it. It’s not hard to fool people who believe in their own self-importance over anything. At the end of the day, they don’t imagine she’s smart enough to trick them. Their mistake.</p><p>And maybe… maybe if she plays her cards right, she can pull off another escape plan. With Cassian. She’s not leaving without him.</p><p>But that means she must be able to walk around freely. It hurts to go back to quiet submissive Jyn, acting like Cassian never meant anything, like he was an <em>inconvenience</em>, nothing more – but she’s doing this for him. So she can save him.</p><p>Once she’s recounted her tragic tale, wiping at her eyes like a martyr, the older Krennic turns to Cassian kneeling on the floor with two men holding him.</p><p>“We’ll have to kill him,” Krennic muses, his voice bored.</p><p>Jyn’s heart skips a beat.</p><p>“No.”</p><p>She can feel everyone’s gaze turn to her, including Cassian’s, and she wrestles to come up with an explanation.</p><p>“He could be useful,” she says at last. <em>You’re throwing him to the wolves. </em>But she can’t think about that now. “He might know something. And... after everything he’s done to me... I don’t want to give him a quick way out.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <strike>She’s disgusted with herself</strike>
  </em>
</p><p>Krennic gives her a contemplating look, then nods. “As you wish, my dear. Alec. You’re in charge here. I have other matters to attend to. I trust you’ll get him to talk?”</p><p>Alec grins. “Yes, sir.”</p><p>Jyn tries not to wince. The older Krennic is more lenient. Not merciful by any means, but less sadistic. Alec, with his charming smile but cold eyes, would enjoy breaking someone like Cassian. A challenge, at last.</p><p>But she’s made her bed. Now she must lie in it.</p>
<hr/><p>Krennic leaves on a different ship – to Scarif, as far as she can tell – and Jyn is stuck with Alec Krennic and his crew on this blasted freighter for at least three more days until they make it back to Coruscant.</p><p>She has no idea what to expect there, but she’s more concerned about the <em>now.</em></p><p>“What’s going to happen to him?” Jyn wonders during dinner, shoving food down her throat methodically if only so that she doesn’t appear suspicious.</p><p>Alec shrugs as he tilts his head back to get the last drops of his spicebrew from his cup. His legs are crossed on the table, the picture of nonchalance.</p><p>She hates him so much.</p><p>“These guys were trained to withstand torture. It’s unlikely he’ll talk but father knows that too. My men will try anyway. For a week or two. Either way, he’ll die.” He gives her a wicked grin, pointing his cup at her. “But don’t worry, sis, he won’t have the easy way out.”</p><p>Jyn says nothing. She hates herself too.</p><p>But Alec is delighted. With a strange gleam in his eyes, he leans across the table.</p><p>“Would you like to watch?”</p><p>Jyn shakes her head quickly, trying to keep her tone, her face neutral. Dissociate, remove her feelings from the situation, forget they’re talking about Cassian altogether – it’s the only way to get through this.</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Oh, come on. What, are you squeamish at the sight of a little blood?”</p><p>“No, Alec. I just don’t get off on pain like you.”</p><p>
  <em>Careful, Jyn. You have to hold your tongue better than that.</em>
</p><p>Luckily, everything is a joke to Alec. He just laughs as though he’s amused by her insult.</p><p>But when he stops and looks at her, she knows the look in his eyes is dangerous. Alec doesn’t take no for an answer. Ever.</p><p>“Come on, Jyn. Let’s go visit our prisoner.”</p>
<hr/><p>“I’m not going to talk,” Cassian tells Alec. There’s a purpling bruise under his left eye and a cut on his upper lip, but otherwise… he seems fine. For now. They haven’t hurt him yet.</p><p>He’s not looking at her, and she has no idea how he feels about her now. Knocking the pill from his hand, denying him the chance to – to –</p><p>To what, kill himself? She feels no remorse for that. But what’s about to happen to him now, that’s on her.</p><p>She supposes she almost owes it to him to bear witness to it.</p><p>Alec hums.</p><p>“You won’t, will you?” he agrees. They stare each other down like predator and prey – Jyn’s not sure who’s who. But Cassian doesn’t flinch, doesn’t look away, doesn’t let himself be intimidated. She feels a surge of pride when it’s Alec who breaks their little staring contest.</p><p>He’s cruel but weak-willed. He’d break within an hour if it was him in that chair.</p><p>Alec nods to the man in the corner who produces a long needle and silently injects some transparent liquid into Cassian’s arm. Jyn watches with a sick feeling of foreboding in her stomach.</p><p>It’s starting.</p><p>Cassian doesn’t utter a single sound but Alec smirks at him.</p><p>“You know what that is, don’t you? I’m sure you’ve witnessed interrogations before. Maybe you’ve done it yourself, haven’t you?”</p><p>He stops like he’s waiting for an answer but she knows he doesn’t truly expect one. Then, when Cassian doesn’t speak, he turns to her.</p><p>“For Jyn’s sake, I’ll explain. This thing is an amplifier. It makes you feel everything... a hundred times more. Even the slightest of pricks,” to demonstrate his point, he nicks Cassian with a blade, and Jyn watches in horror as he actually flinches, “can feel very painful. Quite useful for interrogations. You can really make them suffer without damaging them too much. Isn’t that great, Jyn?”</p><p>She says nothing. He doesn’t want an answer, he’s just being theatrical. Alec loves being the center of attention. All the better because it means he doesn’t notice her inner turmoil.</p><p>
  <em>Oh, Force, how am I going to get through this?</em>
</p><p>She instantly berates herself for that thought. How are <em>you </em>going to survive? What about <em>him</em>? This is not about you.</p><p>But she knows she has to remain calm and collected, because if she gave them away… they’d never escape. She’s just not sure how she’s going to manage this.</p><p>Alec turns back to Cassian, wearing another wicked smile.</p><p>“Have you ever been tortured, Mr. Spy?”</p><p>Cassian doesn’t answer. Alec doesn’t want him to.</p><p>He begins cutting.</p>
<hr/><p>Cassian doesn’t scream, not at first. Alec’s slightly disappointed.</p><p>
  <em>Trained to withstand torture.</em>
</p><p>But Alec’s also determined. He knows, like Jyn knows, that everyone has a breaking point. When Cassian starts screaming, Jyn realizes that she, too, is reaching hers.</p><p>She shuts her eyes when she can, she imagines she’s somewhere else, imagines it’s someone else in that chair. She counts her breaths and tells herself they’ll get through this too. They’ll get through anything. Catching Cassian’s eyes for a second, she tries to convey that she’s here, she loves him, she’s sorry, she’ll kill Alec with her bare fucking hands for this.</p><p>But it’s too much. This is not an interrogation, this is torture. Alec just wants to have fun.</p><p>And Jyn has to intervene.</p><p>“That should be enough, don’t you think?” she says after… well, she’s not sure. Could have been ten minutes, could have been thirty, could have been an hour. “We don’t want to push him too far, or he’ll burn out too soon.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <strike>You’re vile disgusting how can you just let them</strike>
  </em>
</p><p>Alec smiles, disturbingly cheery.</p><p>“My wise sister, always the voice of reason. You’re right, you’re right. Let’s give him a break, we’ll visit again tomorrow. Goodnight then, Mr. Spy,” he tells Cassian, patting his cheek in a condescending gesture. He hadn’t even given them his name.</p><p>Alec strolls out, whistling, and Jyn throws one last desperate look at Cassian before the doors close. <em>I’m so sorry. It’s the only way I could think to keep you alive. I’m so sorry. Forgive me.</em></p><p>She wouldn’t forgive herself.</p>
<hr/><p>Back in her cabin, she runs to the refresher and throws up.</p><p>She tells herself she made the only choices she could. That they were the right choices. They can’t escape while they’re on this ship, there are too many of them. She has no weapons – and even if she could overpower Alec, she couldn’t defeat his entire crew. She has to wait until they get back to Coruscant.</p><p>Two more days.</p><p>Two more days and she can make her move. She – <em>they </em>can survive that long. They can.</p><p>She tells herself that so many times, the words start to lose meaning.</p><p>Sitting clothed inside the tiny shower in her cabin, – the only place where no cameras are watching her – arms curled around her legs, the water slowly turning cold, she sobs.</p><p>But even the water can’t wash away her guilt.</p><p>
  <em>What have you done?</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>“Shall we visit our prisoner?” Alec asks her the next night while they eat in silence.</p><p>Jyn stiffens, then quickly takes a sip of her drink to cover up her revulsion.</p><p>“Not tonight. I’m tired.”</p><p>
  <em>You’re gonna leave him to go through it alone, you should be ashamed.</em>
</p><p>And she is. But she’s not sure if she can keep up the pretense even one more time – and that could be catastrophic.</p><p>Alec hums. “You do look like you haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep yesterday. What’s on your mind, sis?”</p><p>
  <em>Lie, lie, lie.</em>
</p><p>Jyn shrugs, her tone matter-of-fact. “My father.”</p><p>It’s an easy excuse. After all, she hasn’t seen her father since she was eight – when he was forced to start working for the Krennics. In exchange, they took her in, raised her, made sure she never had to go without. And she can’t lie, she did live in comfort with them. She had food, shelter, safety.</p><p>But she never had love.</p><p>“I think he would be proud of you,” Alec tells her. As if he’d know.</p><p>(She isn’t sure anyone would be proud of her, seeing her now.)</p><p>Jyn says nothing, staring at the fork in front of her. How she would like to gauge out Alec’s eyes with it. It would be easy, she’d just have to lunge across the table and – </p><p>“Jyn?”</p><p>She looks up at him.</p><p>“You’re tired. Go to sleep. Big day tomorrow.”</p><p>She stiffens, hating the sound of that. “Why?”</p><p>Alec shrugs, a mysterious smile on his lips. “You’ll see.”</p>
<hr/><p>(Jyn wonders if Alec knows. If he lets her keep up the pretense to hurt her, make her suffer through seeing the man she loves in agony. Are they already exposed?</p><p>Has it all been for nothing?)</p>
<hr/><p>Alec doesn’t wait until night the next day. He takes her to Cassian after breakfast, never allowing her the chance to refuse.</p><p>Jyn wouldn’t have eaten so much if she knew. Nausea is already settling in at the sight of him bound to that chair. Blinking his vacant eyes open as they enter, dried blood on his cheek.</p><p>He doesn’t look… on the verge of death. It’s criminal that this is the bar. But it’s what she clings to. He’s not dying. One more day. She’s going to get him out and he’ll be fine. She’ll make sure he’ll be fine.</p><p>Then Alec tramples all over that plan and turns her world upside down.</p><p>“I have a question for you,” he begins, and she’s not sure at first if he’s talking to her or Cassian. “Who loves who more?”</p><p>He says it so casually, she almost doesn’t register the meaning. But when she does, her blood runs cold.</p><p>“What?” she says, breathless.</p><p>
  <em>No, no, no, he can’t be – he can’t – no, no, please, no.</em>
</p><p>“Ah, you heard me. Who loves who more?”</p><p>Silence. She doesn’t dare look at Cassian.</p><p>Alec, unbothered, smiles and goes on. “You know what they say, there’s always someone who loves someone more in the relationship. So is that you, Jyn, or is it him?” He jerks his head back towards Cassian without looking at him.</p><p>Jyn glances at him for a second. His face is unreadable but when their eyes meet, she sees the panic in them.</p><p>“Have you lost your mind?” she questions, although her voice is feeble and this tactic is weak and <em>it’s not going to work</em>. “I told you, I don’t love him. He <em>tricked</em> me. Whatever feelings I had, they’re long gone.”</p><p>“But that’s a lie, isn’t it, sis?” Alec rebuts, his tone pleasant. He seems so… calm. Laidback. It’s all just a game to him, and he’s the one-man jury. The two of them rats trapped in his maze. “You left with him willingly. You knew who he was. You helped him gather information on us. Didn’t you?”</p><p>Jyn screws her mouth shut, glaring. He has no proof. He can throw accusations around all he wants but he can’t make her admit anything.</p><p>“Believe what you want, Alec. I’m done here.”</p><p>“Oh, I don’t think so.” He pulls a vibroblade before she could even move an inch and brandishes it in Cassian’s direction. “Unless you want me to end it right here and now. But then again, if he really tricked you, then you won’t care, right?”</p><p><em>Motherfucker. </em>He has her there, and he knows it.</p><p>“The thing is, Jyn, I don’t need him anymore. But what happens to him, that’s up to you. You might still be able to save his life.”</p><p>Jyn holds her breath, hanging onto his words. <em>It’s a trap, a lie, he’s playing with her.</em></p><p>But she has no more moves left. If there’s even a chance that he’s being honest…</p><p>“Do you love him enough to take the torture in his place?” Alec asks.</p><p>She doesn’t even have to think about it.</p><p>“<em>Yes</em>.”</p><p>“Jyn, no.”</p><p>She looks at Cassian again, a renewed fire in his eyes. The first time she’s heard his voice since his so-called interrogation started. It’s hoarse and dry and shaky – and it leaves her breathless.</p><p><em>I’m sorry,</em> she tells him again with her eyes. <em>I’m so sorry.</em></p><p>Alec ignores him.</p><p>“Well, that’s nothing though, is it? Do you love him enough to hurt him yourself if it can save him?”</p><p>
  <em>What?</em>
</p><p>Jyn frowns, her brain not comprehending – or not wanting to comprehend what he’s implying. Seeing her confusion, Alec continues.</p><p>“He’s not going to talk. I knew that from the start. I was just entertaining myself, watching your agony – yours more than his. But now… I’m bored. He won’t give me information and I’ve figured out all the ways to hurt him, so what use is he? But you.”</p><p>Alec walks to her and puts his hands on her shoulders. She’s too horrified to shake him off.</p><p>“There’s still more left in you. You do it. <em>You</em> hurt him. Not for long… for an hour? Maybe? Come on, Jyn, it’s a good trade. An hour of torture instead of a week. I’d take it.” Alec lets out a mean little laugh, pointing one hand back at Cassian. “I mean, look at him. He’s not gonna make it a week. But you give me a good show and I swear I’ll let you both go.”</p><p>“You’re lying.” She lets out a strained little laugh, born of hysteria and delirium. Her thoughts fuzzy, white noise building in her head. “You’re lying. You’d never let me go.”</p><p>Alec chuckles.</p><p>“You’re right. Not you. Not you, dearest sister. But him… sure. I’ll let <em>him</em> go.”</p><p>Jyn shakes her head. “A rebel officer with all your secrets, I don’t think so. Your father would kill you.”</p><p>Alec pulls away, clearly disappointed. But instead of insisting, he gives her a shrug.</p><p>“Fine then. Let me keep going. But I promise you, death is not the worst thing that can happen to a person. You think this was bad? I haven’t even gotten started.”</p><p>As Alec turns to face Cassian, their eyes meet again. He’s trying to tell her something. His gaze kind and understanding.</p><p>
  <em>Jyn. It’s okay.</em>
</p><p>She almost falls to her knees sobbing.</p><p>Because he’s not telling her it’s okay, you can do it. He knows she can’t. He’s telling her it’s okay that she can’t. It’s okay that she lets him rot under Alec’s torture instead of doing the one thing in her power to save him. It’s okay that she’s choosing his death over her own suffering. <em>It’s okay. I forgive you.</em></p><p>But she can’t forgive herself.</p><p>“Wait,” she hears herself speak, unsure what the hell she’s doing anymore. Her cheeks are wet, her voice hoarse with tears. She’s not even sure when she started crying. “What… what would I have to do?”</p><p>Alec turns back. A smug look in his cold-blooded eyes.</p><p>He shrugs. “Hit him. You know. Start with the basics. Then…” he steps forwards and puts his blade in her hand.</p><p>Jyn starts shaking her head, trying to pull away – but he doesn’t let her, his hand wrapped firmly around her wrist, the vibroblade in her hand.</p><p>“<em>No.</em>”</p><p>She’s still shaking her head, heaving violently, but Alec doesn’t care. He pulls her along to Cassian, holding her wrist, controlling her movements. Her vision darkens for a second.</p><p>
  <em>Oh Force, if I pass out, maybe this nightmare will be over.</em>
</p><p>“Jyn.” She hears Cassian’s voice from far away, like she’s underwater, drowning. “Look at me.”</p><p>With blurry vision, she obeys, raising her eyes to his face.</p><p>“Look at me. Concentrate on me.”</p><p>His eyes bore into hers, dark, intense, more focused than she’s seen him in the past two days. Like he’s trying to keep her anchored, trying to give her strength, like they’re the only two people in the universe. Like nothing bad could happen as long as she didn’t take her eyes off him.</p><p>He’s trying so hard to center her. But how could he give her comfort now when Alec’s using <em>him</em> to hurt her?</p><p>“Isn’t this touching?” Alec mocks and, without warning, uses her hand to lash out and carve a deep long gash into Cassian’s cheek.</p><p>Cassian tries not to react. She can tell that he tries, for her. But as Alec digs the blade in deeper, unrelenting, a small groan of pain escapes him.</p><p>She can’t pull away. Alec won’t let her.</p><p>Her hand shakes, her entire body shakes, and she can’t pull away. So she squeezes her eyes shut and refuses to see, refuses to listen, refuses to think until he finally lets her go and she stumbles to the ground with nothing to hold her up.</p><p>She can’t do it. She can’t. She can’t.</p><p>No matter how much she rationalizes it, she cannot torture Cassian, even for an hour, even for a minute.</p><p>“I can’t do it,” she sobs, uncaring what she looked like at this point. How pathetic she must seem on the floor, at Alec’s feet. Exactly where he wanted her, at his mercy.</p><p>“I can’t do it, please. Just kill me,” she begs him. “Just torture me instead.” Alec stares at her, silent and unreadable, and she finally explodes. “What do you want?!”</p><p>Silence. Then his lips curl into a smug smile. He crouches down, tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear. The gentle <em>loving </em>gesture makes her want to hurl.</p><p>She will bite off his fucking fingers if he touches her again – but that anger is only present in her mind. Her body is too weak, too beaten to do anything. <em>Where’s your fire now, Erso? Is it that easy to destroy you?</em></p><p>“Thank you, Jyn,” Alec tells her, then presses a kiss to her forehead. “You did wonderfully.”</p><p>And she gets it. He never really thought she was capable of torturing Cassian. He knew he would never have to let them go. He just wanted to <em>break </em>her. Alec is getting off on her pain – it doesn’t even matter that she hadn’t truly hurt Cassian because seeing her cowering on the floor like a frightened tooka is good enough for him.</p><p>And now he will go in for the killing blow.</p><p>He hands her the vibroblade one more time and smiles. “You or him. Make your choice.”</p><p>Jyn blinks at the blade in delirium. Somewhere, Cassian is calling her name. She’s too sluggish to move, to even curl her hand around the hilt of the knife. <em>Where’s your fire, Jyn? </em>Alec is waiting with an infuriatingly patient smile. <em>Make your choice.</em></p><p>But it isn’t a choice. No.</p><p>It’s not a choice at all.</p><p>Because Alec had miscalculated one little thing.</p><p>Now that her charade was up, now that she knew they were both going to die here, she had nothing left to lose. No more moves left to make.</p><p>Except one.</p><p>She curls her grip around the blade and shoves it up his jaw. <em>Checkmate, jackass.</em></p><p>Eyes wide, he gurgles once, a horrible dying sound, then falls face down at her feet. Jyn turns him around to yank the blade out of his skull, ignoring his lifeless eyes staring into nothing.</p><p>She’s never killed anyone before. She’s surprised how easily it came to her then – no time to hesitate, to think about it. It was him or them. And perhaps she should be more horrified at herself, perhaps she will be later, but right now, she just feels <em>relief.</em></p><p>She stumbles to Cassian on shaky legs. His entire body is covered in bruises but his eyes are clear again, focused only on her. All she wants to do is fall against him and bury her head in his chest and lay down for a week – <em>just hide from the world, just keep me safe, just hold me, please, I can’t do this – </em>but she can’t let her guard down. Killing Alec was the easy part. Now they’re stuck in hyperspace with a hostile crew and no way off this ship.</p><p>She has no idea what they’re going to do. But they have to try to survive. Trying is always better.</p><p>She still takes a moment to pause after she cuts him loose, his hand cupping her cheek and pulling her against him. Half-delirious himself, the way he looks at her. Just for a moment, the world stops.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” she says aloud for the first time. For what, she’s not sure. She’s not sorry for the suicide pill. She’s not sorry for keeping him alive. She’s not even really sorry for coming with him. So what could she have done differently?</p><p>She’s just sorry, anyway.</p><p>If he’s angry about the lullaby, if he thinks she should have let him die instead of putting them both through this torture, he doesn’t say it. He doesn’t show it. Neither of them could handle it right now.</p><p>Instead, he inhales softly, his breath mingling with hers.</p><p>“You don’t have to apologize for anything.”</p><p>She almost starts crying again right then and there. He’s too much, too good, too beautiful, and stars help her, she loves him.</p><p>She cannot fucking lose him.</p><p>“What are we going to do, Cassian?” she questions softly, fear coloring her voice. Their chances aren’t good. They both know that.</p><p>Still, the look he gives her is steady.</p><p>“We’ll fight. Together,” he tells her. So certain of them – not that they’ll succeed, but that whatever happens, they’ll do it <em>together</em>. “All the way.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><b>Warnings:</b> Cassian attempts to take his lullaby pill when they're captured. He's later tortured in front of Jyn while she has to pretend she doesn't care. It happens only once and it's not graphic, focusing more on the emotional aftermath. Later, Jyn is asked to torture Cassian herself in exchange for his life, and she entertains this for a second but can't go through with it. A third character does grab her hand and make her cut Cassian with a knife but that's all that happens. Jyn also murders someone with a blade up their jaw.</p><p>Thanks for reading! As always, you can find me on <a href="https://andorerso.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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